Acceptance!

July 2022 until now, May 2023…A wild road of emotions, experiences, thoughts and feelings to say the least. Angry beyond belief, days slept away due to medication knocking me out, days not remembered thanks to short term memory issues (from medication). Poor seizure control, lots of medication changes, doctor appointments, multiple blood draws. Sleepless nights thanks to insomnia from a new medication. Not going out with friends and family because of debilitating anxiety. Loosing my confidence, my voice, any hope I had. Depression at its finest, complete and under defeat. I was a mess. Life knocked me down hard. For a while, it kept me down. I felt anytime tried to get up, it would just kick me back down and stomp a little harder than before. I constantly thought to myself, when would this ever get better?

The Universe works in mysterious ways; I believe so anyway. The old saying, Everything happens for a reason. I could not, for the life of me, understand why everything was panning out the way it was. If everything happens for a reason, I sure as heck didn’t see it at the time. It would take me a long time to see the bigger picture.

I wish I could tell you the exact day I woke up at peace. Although, it didn’t really happen over night. Small steps along the way, eventually compounded into acceptance. 1% better day by day. I sure as heck did not want to live my life in constant misery. So, I put in the work. I knew if I didn’t, nothing would ever change.

Monthly therapy sessions and implementing her recommendations, daily journaling, daily meditation and gratitude practice. A small dose of an antidepressant in the interim, to help me take better care of myself self, while implementing these non-medical interventions. I played volleyball and got back to moving my body. Participated in the 8 week PACES program, which really helped me feel more comfortable opening up and talking about my diagnosis. Speaking with another successful RN, who has epilepsy (under control), helped me feel less alone. Ongoing support and information from the epilepsy association coordinator. Encouraged to get, and got a second opinion (who is now my primary neurologist). It took a lot of thought, energy and time to put actions in place to help me accept this. It paid off (and continues to pay off), which I will be forever grateful for. 

During my low time, when I felt completely knocked down. A beautiful lady in my life gave me a piece of advice. She reminded me, during a nasty storm, we know it will pass, the waters will calm, and the sun will rise again.

She looked at me and said: You are enduring your own storm right now, the waves are high, and every time you get up, the waves knock you back down. Instead of getting up and trying to fight the tidal waves, just lay low for a little while. Preserve your energy, and get up when the waters have calmed down, so you have a better chance at staying up. 

Her words stuck with me. I was emotionally taxed yet trying to fight back, surely not doing myself any favours. It wasn’t until I learned to slow down, rest, listen to my body, give my body and mind what it needed, that I was able to get up from this storm and stay up. To my surprise, after giving my body and mind time, I eventually was able to get back up; the storm had passed. The worst storm I had yet to encounter in my life turned into a beautiful, glowing sunrise, over seeing calm ocean waters. I was at peace with life, at peace with my diagnosis. This was it, acceptance.

During the rough waters of my storm, I had deleted social media. It was challenging to see all the happy positive posts, when I was so down in the dumps (we usually only post the good stuff even when life is a little messy). It was a nice break, but I was also compelled to share what I had learned along the way. If sharing my story helps one other person feel less alone, then it’s worth it.

March 26, purple day/epilepsy awareness day. No longer ashamed of this diagnosis, no longer sad, depressed, anxious or angry. I had some photos taken, where they do a flag raising for epilepsy awareness. My first post on social media after being MIA for a while, (other than my very close friends, and some family) was to share not only that I am living with it, but also information and resources to those who may benefit from it, and get the conversation started around epilepsy; it is way more common than we think.

I reflect on the months where I felt I was going through hell. The months I could not understand why it was happening. If I didn’t go through what I did, I wouldn’t be writing this blog for starters. I would likely still be stressed and burnt out. I would not have met some of the amazing people who helped me learn and grow throughout this diagnosis. I would not have had the opportunity to work on my own personal development. I would not have learned to slow down and properly take care of my mind and body. To know how much I have grown in the last few months, is rewarding in itself. What’s even more, those around me have noticed a total 180 shift as well. 

I finally understand, and appreciate why everything panned out the way it did. The universe knocked me down, and kept knocking me down until I started taking care of myself. The opportunities that have presented themselves would not have happened. The personal growth, the education, the time to focus on my well-being, none of it would have happened. For everything I have acquired over the last couple months, I will forever be grateful. 

Until next time…

If you told me six months ago this is where I would be in life, I would not have believed you. After many tears, sleepless nights, punching pillow sessions, I look back and still cannot believe what I went through, mentally and physically. I truly felt life would not get better, but it did, and it continues to get better. 

Without bad times, we would not know what good times would feel like. Life is full of ups and downs, the downs usually being at the least inconvenient times. Maybe it’s a whisper (or a scream) from the Universe telling you to slow down, take care of you, so you can be the best version of yourself, for yourself, and those whom you love. 

Be patient with yourself, be kind, show yourself love, gratitude, and respect. Find your 1% better day by day, and watch how amazing life becomes. Find and do the things you are passionate about, that bring you joy and more energy into your life. We live in a fast pace world where we are worked to the bone, pouring our soul and energy into things that don’t fill our tank in a positive way. Empty some of that from your tank. Make room for things that will fuel you with positive, ever flowing energy! No matter where you are in life, it is never too late to start. Start today, towards a healthier, happier, more joyful you. You deserve it.