Experiencing Grief

When thinking of the grieving process, what do you think of? I personally think of loosing a loved one, and experiencing denial, anger, bargaining, depression/ sadness, then eventually acceptance. I did not stop to think maybe I was grieving, going through the stages, trying to accept this diagnosis, and my current life. I see a therapist once a month. She was the one who helped me understand people experience grief for reasons other than loosing a loved one. She helped shift my perspective, provided resources and suggestions how I can help myself to move forward towards acceptance. 

Before the diagnosis, denial had already set in. Of course I wanted to know what was going on, mainly so I could get on with my life. Part of me thought maybe nothing would show up from the MRI. Finally, the verdict was in, the diagnosis stated out loud by the doctor, epilepsy. What was to come would make it real. There was a small part of me that thought, maybe they will repeat the scan in the future, and see they had made a mistake; me have epilepsy, no way. Denial at its finest. 

Denial didn’t stick around for long though. When I started taking medication, made it real. When I was still having “episodes” and learning to say out loud they were seizures, made it real. When I would state out loud I was diagnosed with epilepsy, made it real. 

Moving right along to the next phase of the grieving process…. Anger. Came in fast and hit me hard. I am not an angry person, or at least I don’t feel I am. (Maybe people out there who know me think otherwise, and thats ok). I get easily irritated, frustrated, and I will be the first to admit I can be moody, but anger, not something I was used to experiencing. 

Angry at the world, the universe, for having to go through this. WHY!? Why was this happening! Why now? Over 2 years of dealing with the pandemic, life finally starting to feel more free! Now I was angry, dealing with loosing some of my independence.

Summer came along, beautiful, warm, sunny days. I was stuck on the couch trying not to get sick form the medication, or being half asleep/drowsy. On the days I did feel half decent, I felt trapped in the apartment (for the most part, not always. I’ll get to that). I would get so mad at what I was going through, having that victim mentality, I would scream into a pillow and then punch it repeatedly. I am aware of how ridiculous this sounds, but in the moment, I hade this pent up rage, and had not a sweet clue how to manage it.

The place that brought me back down to earth during these times, the beach. The subtle sound of waves crashing against the shore, the sweet salty ocean air, the sand under my feet. Running in, dunking my head under the cool water, I always came up feeling refreshed and at peace. A sense of calm, feeling everything in that moment was good. I am grateful for those in my life who got me to the water, every chance possible, knowing it would help.

Do you know Dory, from Finding Nemo? I related to her so much, in the sense I loved being in the ocean, swimming like a fish, but also, the medication was causing serious issues with short term memory. As Dory would say “just keep swimming”. So that’s how I started to approach life. No matter how I was doing, what I was feeling, I would remind myself to just keep swimming. 

Summer was slowly coming to an end, beach days and ocean dips became few and far between. What was I to do now without those therapeutic ocean dips? I’m sure some of you will immediately think, do a monthly cold water ocean dip; there is lots of research that shows how beneficial cold water plunges can be. I did this in September and again in October. That was enough for me! Talk about freezing !!!!

I always say my heart belongs on the East coast by the ocean, my soul on the West coast in the mountains. With beach days dwindling, I decided I would go somewhere that would revive my soul. The sweet, cool, crisp mountain air, views that always brought a smile across my face, a sense of peace filling my body. Camping, hiking, spending time with family. This was it. No more anger, how could I be angry where my soul felt most alive?!

They say not everyone will experience all 5 stages of grief. Some may go back and forth between some of the stages. That was the case for me. I would go between anger, not so much of the bargaining, and then sadness/depression. I am going to use both the terms sadness and depression. I personally do not feel these terms are interchangeable. We all experience sadness in life, not everyone experiences true depression.

The mountains were beautiful, peaceful, relaxing. Yet something felt different, something felt off. Usually during and after time spent in the mountains, I would be able to let everything go, feel refreshed, and rejuvenated.  I was on my way to the airport with my cousin. Tears flooded my eyes out of nowhere. For the first time I stated out loud, ‘I think this is beyond sadness, I think I may be depressed’ 

I felt I had exhausted my resources. Journaling, meditation, seeing a therapist, trying to get to the gym on the days I felt well enough to do so, working on my sleep hygiene, going to the ocean when I could, coming to the mountains. Yet, nothing was helping. I did not want to feel this way; extreme sadness, crying all the time, loosing interest in what once brought me joy. Isolating myself from friends and family. The medication still not having full effects, resulting in seizures. I was at a loss.

I knew going to the doctor would lead to medication. As much as I did not want more meds, my natural resources for dealing with this extreme sadness had been exhausted and no longer working. I reminded myself (and I share this with others): when the heart is over worked, or not working properly, there are medications to help. If someone is having a difficult time breathing, lungs unable to help oxygenate the rest of the body, there are puffers, and medication that can be administered. The brain is no different. It is a vital organ, that if not working properly, may need a little help to restore balance. 

It would take time to truly accept what was going on. Epilepsy, now being treated for depression and sleep deprivation. Still no return to work date, or getting my license back. It was getting cooler each passing day. Beach days were over, and so was my mountain trip.

Admitting and getting help for what passed sadness into a depression was extremely beneficial. My anxiety was dissipating, slowly over time I was starting to have a few good days. I still hated my diagnosis, still bouncing between the stages of grief. I knew the next step was acceptance, I just wasn’t there yet, that was okay. I would get there on my own time.

December 28, 2022. I woke up this day, tired of feeling and living the way I was. Changes had to be made if I wanted to accept this and move forward.

I was finally learning how to ask for help, verbalize to those around me what was going on, and seeking resources and opportunities. The epilepsy foundation co-ordinator continued to be an amazing support. She was the one who told me about the epilepsy clinic. She encouraged me to get a second opinion for my care/ treatment plan. She also told me about an upcoming program being offered to adults with epilepsy. I signed up for an 8 week virtual program called PACES which would start in January 2023. Hopeful for it to provide more education, grow my support system, and help me accept this new journey.

The final stage, acceptance. I wasn’t there, that would take more time. I was getting closer to it though, each and every day.

Until Next Time…

We all experience the grieving process at some point in our lives. It’s going to look different for each and every one of us. Be patient with yourself. Don’t deny what you’re going through or how you are feeling; feel your feelings and call them what they are.

If you, or someone you know is experiencing signs/ symptoms of mental health issues, please seek medical advice/ help. Reach out to loved ones, community resources, counsellors/therapists, MD, utilize the resources out there. There is still so much stigma/judgement around mental health/ well-being. It is not spoken nearly enough as it should be. You do not have to face the hard times in life alone. There are trained professionals, who truly want you to succeed in life. Once again, never forget, you matter.

Resources – Mental Health and Addictions Intake Services 1-855-922-1122 Provincial Mental Health and Addictions Crisis Line 1-888-429-8169 Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868 Can also call 211 or visit https://mha.nshealth.ca/en for more information

PACES- contact the Epilepsy Association of the Maritimes for more information and when the next program will take place.